#blogElul 22: End

BlogElul 2016Ending a chapter is hard, especially
not knowing what the next will hold.
I write the book of my life with my deeds,
it reads from itself and my signature
is there plain as day, but I don't get
to read ahead. The Jewish year is ending.
There's plenty I don't mind relegating
to memory: every painful conversation,
what we came to call emotional root canal.
Hours sitting tense on the tiny couch
in the couples counselor's office -- not
his fault, but none of that is time
I'd choose to re-live. Let it be over.
A lot of the stories I used to tell
about who I was, who I thought I'd be --
those are over too, and their replacements
not yet known. Can I open my hands, let go
of every ending without losing my grasp
on the things that have no limit?
Love, given and received. Hope
for what might be coming. My gratitude
for you, vast as the Milky Way splashed
across heavens that seem to have no end.


 

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 21: Love

BlogElul 2016Everything I write is a love letter to you.
Some days I'm afraid you don't read them:
that insidious voice whispers in my ear
that even you couldn't possibly want

my graphomanic tendencies. That in writing
day after day I make unreasonable demands.
That my unruly heart takes up too much space.
I can't excise that voice, but I can turn

from the poison it spreads. I remind myself
that you love me not despite who I am
but because of who I am, and that means
all of me. You see my whole heart, even

the parts I try to hide. You don't want me
to pretend. You receive me as I am.


 

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 20: Fulfill

BlogElul 2016When it comes to you, dearest one,
I am profligate with promises:

I will remember you everywhere
I will open my eyes to you always

the channel between your heart and mine
will always be open, even when I ache

because you are too far away
or because my words fail me.

I wish I could adorn you with stars
but all I have are sparks

glinting between my cupped hands
cast by the tireless fire of my heart.


 

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 19: Judge


Your Honor, I don't need to tell you
where I've fallen short: you've seen

the times when I chose silence because
I couldn't bear to stand up for myself...

No one would blame you if you told me
I'm not worth rehabilitating, not after

all these years of ignoring my needs
and pretending I didn't hear your voice.

I lift my gaze to yours expecting lightning
but instead I get the hazel waters

of my childhood river, warm and gentle.
You don't fault me the time it took.

You tell me I wasn't put here only
to weep. You wipe my brimming eyes.


  BlogElul 2016

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 18: Ask


Did you know all along that this is where I would be:
sitting on a secondhand couch in a half-darkened room
with laptop and glass of a crisp Oregon Pinot Gris
writing poems after singing the kid's bedtime songs
and closing his door behind me? Did you know a year ago
as the new moon approached that I was steeling myself
to admit unhappiness I'd never been able to speak?
Did you know I wouldn't be renewing those vows again --
instead I'd be disentangling from the fine knotted threads
of the household, of the narrative, of the future I used
to think was a given? Did you know, and if I'd been able
somehow to hear the words would you have told me then
that I would be here now, buffeted sometimes by grief
but able to trust that the tempests will someday recede,
that I will find my way to calm waters, to a new shore?


  BlogElul 2016

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 17: Awaken

BlogElul 2016Every day you
open my eyes
to my choices
and my flaws.

You wake me
to my strength,
to the earth
beneath my feet.

You wake me
to the places
where I've failed
to remember you

not to shame
but to spark
my heart's yearning
to do better.

Wake me up
in every moment.
Don't let me
fall back asleep.


 

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 16: Pray

BlogElul 2016You are the first thought I want
to have. Are you there this morning?
Can I sense you? Have I thanked you
yet today for the melody that twined
through my dreaming, the one
that sounded the way tzitzit feel
when I remember how it feels to wind
the strands of white with blue?
As the pages of my morning turn
I look for you on every one, and for
myself in every line I write to you.
Am I someone you would be proud of
right now, given what I've just done?
And how about now, unloading dishes
while my son asks again if he can eat
in front of the television? And now,
reeling with unanticipated joy, or grief?
Thank you for seeing me even when
no one else does, and in seeing me
reminding me that I am cherished
even when I feel most alone.


 

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 15: Change


When the ground beneath my feet shifts like sand
when I wake to unfamiliar views out foreign windows

when the stories I once told about how my life would be
unravel like a sweater whose loose thread is pulled

when my thumb reaches again and again for my index finger
making sure the rings are still there and then I remember

when I tell yet another acquaintance how much has changed
and then comfort them because it's more than they can bear

the constant I know I can count on is you, tucked
inside the innermost chamber of my storm-tossed heart

and because love is a mobius strip with no beginning or end
you carry me safe and cherished even as I carry you


  BlogElul 2016

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 14: Learn

BlogElul 2016How to feel you with me
hand on my shoulderblade
song in my ear

how to share with you
the surprise of wild mint,
the blue of September sky

how to let summer slip
through my fingers
without grieving its passing

how to trust
you'll be here with me
even when the days grow dark


 

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 13: Remember


I know there was a moment when everything changed.
When I opened a door and became aware of you.

Since then you hover at the edge of my awareness
like sunlight warming my face, like cinnamon

or etrog peel spicing my senses. What I can't recall
is how it felt to be blind to you, and to hide

even from myself the fact that I was ignoring
love's rhythmic knock on the door of my heart.

How did I not notice I was going through the day
with one eye closed, with half of my self

tied behind my back? Now that I'm awake, I promise
I won't ever choose to go back to sleep.

 


  BlogElul 2016

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 12: Forgive

BlogElul 2016The most difficult, of course, is myself.
No one else sees my failings half so clearly.
Every word I should have said and didn't, or
should have known better than to speak.
And my heart that flows in ways not wanted.
And the harsh decrees I ached so to sweeten
and wasn't strong enough, or wise enough...
Sometimes I skirt the edges of despair, but
you remind me that through the eyes of love
every flaw is softened, every misstep becomes
part of the path. Where I see weakness
you see strength. I see every missed mark:
you see the trajectory of my striving, and
call it good. Tell me again that when it comes
to my yearning, when it comes to every way
I've fallen short, I don't need your forgiveness
-- you've already granted it. All I have to do
is see myself through your irreplaceable eyes.


 

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 11: Trust

BlogElul 2016With my life.
I place myself in your hands
without fear. I know that to you
I am precious cargo.

With my fragility.
You see my vulnerable places,
my most wrenching tears.
You would never shame me.

With my strength.
I don't have to hide my skill
or my fury: you want all of me,
without pretense.

With my heart.
I can love you
with infinite fierceness
and you won't turn away.


 

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 10: Count

BlogElul 2016Things that have no limit
in this world or any other:

how often I can think of you
and feel my sadness lessen

the comfort that I find in you
from eve to night to morning

how many times I turn to you
to see my best self reflected

the gratitude I feel for you
(how did I get so lucky?)

All of these are infinite --
my love for you is greater.


 

I've written this poem before -- or others very like it. As a poet, recognizing my own repetition is frustrating. But as someone who prays, I see the value in repetition and near-repetition, so I'm sharing this poem even though I have used the "things that have no limit" (אלו דברים שאין להם שיעור) reference / device before. 

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 9: Observe

BlogElul 2016The exterior's a little shabby,
could use a coat of paint.

A bit worn after a hard year:
not a lot of curb appeal.

Most people walk right by.
Not you: you see

the mezuzah in the doorway,
the light in the living room.

You see my heart, tender
and afraid no one will ever want --

Tell me again that I'm worthy
even when I feel most broken.

Tell me again that my strength
is beautiful, and makes me whole.


 

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 8: Hear

BlogElul 2016I want to hear your voice
every day of my life.
Murmur in my ear a reminder:
you knock on the door of my heart.

Every day of my life
you bring light to my eyes.
You knock on the door of my heart.
Sing me awake, don't stop.

You bring light to my eyes
and ease my tangled fears.
Sing me awake. Don't stop.
Your melody flows through me.

Ease my tangled fears.
There is no door, only love.
Your melody flows through me.
There is no distance.

There is no door, only love.
Murmur in my ear a reminder
there is no distance.
I want to hear your voice.


 

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


Balancing judgment with love

Have you ever been asked the question "if you knew you were going to be marooned on a desert island, what five books would you take with you?" One of mine would be Rabbi Alan Lew's This Is Real And You Are Completely Unprepared: The Days of Awe as a Journey of Transformation. I reread that book each year at this season.

Here's a short quote from that book, talking about this week's Torah portion:

Parashat Shoftim... begins with what seems like a simple prescription for the establishment of a judicial system: 'Judges and officers you shall appoint for yourselves in all your gates.' But the great Hasidic Torah commentary, the Iturey Torah, read this passage as an imperative of a very different sort -- an imperative for a kind of inner mindfulness. According to the Iturey Torah, there are seven gates -- seven windows -- to the soul: the two eyes, the two ears, the two nostrils, and the mouth. Everything that passes into our consciousness must enter through one of these gates.

On a deep level, says Rabbi Lew, this passage has nothing to do with establishing a system of judges and courts. Rather, it's about mindfulness and teshuvah, that existential turning that's at the heart of this season.

'Judges and officers you shall appoint for yourselves in all your gates.' We can't always control what we see. Sometimes we see things we wish we could un-see, or hear things we wish we could un-hear. But we can make choices about how we respond to what we see and hear. Maybe there's political rhetoric this election season that upsets me, or someone in my sphere who's acting unfairly or unkindly. I can't un-hear the offending words or un-see the offending deeds, but I can choose what qualities I want to cultivate in myself as I respond to what the world presents to me.

I can choose to cultivate lovingkindness. I can choose to cultivate good boundaries and to say "enough is enough." I can choose to cultivate the right balance between love and judgment. This Shabbat offers an opportunity to do precisely that.

Shabbat Shoftim -- "Shabbat of Judges" -- always falls during the first or second week of Elul. The moon of Elul is waxing now, and when it wanes we'll convene for Rosh Hashanah. The liturgy for that day describes God as the Judge before whom all living beings must appear. On that day the book of our lives will read from itself, reflecting the lines we've written over the last year with our words and our deeds, our actions and our inactions.

But before we get to Rosh Hashanah, we have three more weeks of Elul to go. Our sages read the name of this month as an acronym for אני לדודי ודודי לי, "I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine." Before we stand before God as Judge, we have the opportunity to experience God as Beloved. Tradition teaches that this month God isn't in the Palace on high, but "in the fields" with us. We get to with the Source of All in the beautiful late summer meadows, talking with God the way one might talk to one's most dearly beloved friend.

Because here's the thing about your most dearly beloved friend, the person who loves you most in all the world: that person notices your flaws, sure, but they see your flaws in the context of your good sides. Your best qualities. Imagine someone who loves you so dearly that they can't help seeing everything that's best about you, every time they look at you. During this month of Elul, that's how God sees each of us. That's the backdrop against which the judgments of Rosh Hashanah take place.

This week's Torah portion instructs us to pursue justice, and it doesn't seem to be speaking only to those who do the work of justice for a living. This work falls to all of us. Pursuing justice, and engaging in the work of judgement and discernment, is on all of us. Where are we living up to our highest selves, and where are we falling short of our ideals? As the Iturey Torah asks, what do we want to let in through the gates of the senses, and what words and deeds and facial expressions do we want to let out?

And it's also our task to remember that we emulate God not only when we judge ourselves and others, but also when we cultivate love for ourselves and others -- in fact we are most like God davka (precisely) when we do both. Shabbat Shoftim always falls during this month of Elul, during this month of loving and being loved. The challenge is finding the right balance of love and judgment in every moment. It can be tempting to lean toward one and neglect the other, but that's a temptation we need to resist.

Balancing love and judgment is not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. If I bring nothing but chesed, abundant lovingkindness, to myself and to the world around me I am liable to spoil my child, turn a blind eye to unfairness, and let myself or others off the hook when I should be expecting better. If I bring nothing but gevurah, boundaries and strength, I am liable to be overly strict, to cross the line from discerning to judgmental, and castigate myself and others when I should be responding with gentleness. 

May this Shabbat Shoftim, this Shabbat of Judges, inspire us to balance our lovingkindness with good judgment, and to infuse our discernment with love.

 

This is the d'var Torah I offered last night at my shul. (Cross-posted to my From the Rabbi blog.) 


#blogElul 7: Choose

BlogElul 2016
To think of you when I wake
and as I close my eyes.

To orient myself toward you
like a flower toward the sun.

To steer by your promises
steadfast as the stars.

To trust that I bring you joy,
rejoice at your trust in me.


 

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 6: Believe

BlogElul 2016
That you love me.
I could stop there:

that one short clause
fuels me day after day.

That you don't want me
to hide my heart.

That grief will end
and joy will flower.

That you are with me
even when I feel alone.


 

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 5: Accept

BlogElul 2016You remind me
I don't have to turn myself
inside-out to be loved.

I don't have to force my feet
into shoes that don't fit
or walk a path that isn't mine.

You don't want me to hide
any of who I am, not even
my overflowing heart.


 

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.


#blogElul 4 - Understand

BlogElul 2016
Not
why suffering, why grief
why manipulation or unkindness

-- but that you are with me
that I am never truly alone:
this

I understand,
this creates a filligreed cage
of protection around my heart.

 


 

I'm participating again this year in #blogElul, an internet-wide carnival of themed posts aimed at waking the heart and soul before the Days of Awe. (Organized by Ima Bima.) Read #blogElul posts via the Elul tag; you might also enjoy my collection of Elul poems which arose out of #blogElul a few years ago, now available in print and e-book form as See Me: Elul poems.